The Hatfields and the McCoys have long captured the American imagination, pitting neighbor against neighbor in the mountains of Kentucky and West Virginia. Sensational journalism brought national attention to the feuding families and spawned the hillbilly stereotypes that still denigrate rural Appalachians. But the real story is—as most are—more complex. Post Civil War industrialization brought with it a rapacious need for timber, coal and an expanded railroad. The now famous feud, magnified and distorted by self-interested tycoons, escalated a simple disagreement to encourage a land grab in the Tug Valley, destroying rich resources, economic livelihoods and a previously peaceful way of life.
We've just turned the page on a contentious election, leaving Americans feeling a lot like the Hatfields and the McCoys. But our sparring is just a symptom—of what happens when disagreement stops being dialogue and starts becoming demolition. Even among partners, even among friends, we’re losing the ability to disagree without destroying each other.
In an era of cancel culture, viral outrage, and political point-scoring, disagreement has become dangerous territory. We urgently need to re-learn the lost art of disagreeing with respect. And it’s not just on the global stage. In boardrooms, classrooms, hospitals, and homes, disagreement now feels like an existential threat. We shout, we shut down, or we stay silent. What we rarely do is stay present—with openness, humility, and grace.
But disagreement is not the enemy. Done well, it fuels progress, not division. Innovation, growth, democracy itself—none of it works without productive disagreement. So how do we navigate conflict without collapsing connection? How do we disagree—not just loudly, but wisely? Here are three strategies—drawn from research and real-world examples—that offer a way forward.
Reframe Disagreement As A Strength, Not A Threat
In many organizations, disagreement is seen as a problem to solve—or worse, a liability to avoid. The goal is harmony. Alignment. Consensus. But that mindset often breeds groupthink and mediocrity.
High-performing teams flip the script. They treat disagreement not as defiance, but as data. Not as disruption, but as a sign of engagement and a catalyst for smarter thinking.
Pixar mastered this early on. Its famous “Braintrust” meetings brought together directors, writers, and producers to openly critique films-in-progress. The feedback was fierce—storyboards dismantled, ideas shredded—but the environment was psychologically safe. As co-founder Ed Catmull put it, the magic was in “candor without fear.” People walked out with sharper stories, not bruised egos.
The science backs this up. A 2003 meta-analysis found that task-related conflict—disagreements over ideas, not identities—consistently improves team performance, especially when trust and psychological safety are present.
Silence isn’t a sign of harmony. It’s often a sign of fear.
Create Space For Respectful Friction
Respectful disagreement doesn’t just happen—it’s engineered. It requires space, both cultural and structural. And in high-stakes or hierarchical environments, that space must be built with intention.
Consider the aviation industry. In the 1990s, Korean Air faced a disturbing number of crashes. Investigators uncovered a deadly pattern: junior crew members often spotted mistakes but stayed silent—especially when it was the captain who was wrong. Deference and politeness were literally killing people.
The fix wasn’t just technical. It was cultural. Korean Air overhauled its communication protocols and launched a rigorous training program emphasizing open communication, teamwork, and the importance of all crew members speaking up, regardless of rank. As a result, the airline eventually became one of the safest in the world.
The lesson? It’s not enough to remove barriers—you have to install supports and good communication. Leaders must actively invite dissent, reward courage, and build systems that make disagreement safe.
And no, that doesn’t mean every meeting becomes a sparring match. It means building a culture where candor is expected, not punished.
When people can’t speak up, organizations can’t move forward.
Stay In The Tension Long Enough To Learn
Most of us don’t avoid disagreements because we don’t care—we avoid it because we’re human. Our brains are wired for belonging, and conflict—especially unresolved conflict—feels like a threat to that connection. But discomfort is where learning lives.
In 1960, civil rights leader Diane Nash helped lead a group of Black and white students in Nashville through intensive nonviolent protest training. Before they ever sat together in protest at a segregated lunch counter, they rehearsed how to withstand verbal abuse, physical threats, and emotional pressure. The goal wasn’t just to resist—it was to remain present, with dignity and discipline, long enough to shift public perception. It was hard, but it worked.
Today’s workplace may not require that level of courage. But it does require staying power. Whether you’re challenging a biased comment, unpacking a flawed assumption, or rethinking a failed strategy—real growth comes when we resist the urge to exit the discomfort too soon.
Respectful disagreement requires lingering a little longer. Listening past your own rebuttal. Asking the second question. Resisting the simplicity of certainty and choosing instead to sit—briefly—in the complexity of someone else’s view.
Growth doesn’t happen when we win the argument. It happens when we stay in it.
The infamous feud didn’t serve the Hatfields or the McCoys. It served the industrialists—timber, coal, and railroad barons—who capitalized on the chaos. As the families fought, outside interests moved in, seizing land, extracting resources, and destabilizing communities. The story is a reminder: when we become too consumed by conflict, we risk falling victim to someone else’s agenda.
The same is true today. The problems we face—at work, in politics, in our communities—are too complex and too urgent to let discord divide us. Especially when that division leaves us vulnerable to manipulation, distraction, or inaction.
We don’t need fewer disagreements. We need better ones—because the right kind of conflict builds trust, sharpens thinking, and moves us forward. It’s not about being right. It’s about getting it right—together. Instead of resisting the arguments of others, ask yourself: What am I missing? What might they see that I don’t? The goal isn’t to win. It’s to stay in the room long enough to solve the problem. Because if we can’t learn to disagree with respect, we’ll lose far more than the argument. We’ll lose the very tools we need to build what’s next.
First published in Forbes.com.
